Spanking the monkey. Choking the chicken. Beating the bishop. For decades, it has pissed me off that there are so many colorful and hilarious euphemisms for masturbation by dudes, but pretty much zero for women doing their thing. Are ladyparts somehow unworthy of self abuse, or is it just unseemly to even suggest that women would ever engage in such a practice?

I felt it was well past time for a change, so I wrote this cheeky list (with helpful example sentences for each term) for McSweeney's. Let's get to hittin' the kitten!