Many people seemed surprised this week when President-elect Donald J. Trump selected me—a former chief executive of World Wrestling Entertainment—as his education secretary. “What does this WWE lady know about preparing America’s children for the future?” they asked. “Does she have any experience in education?” The answers are nothing and no, but who cares when I’ve got the GOP’s favorite strongman on my side? No, not Hulk Hogan. Trump!
Like me, he knows that America’s children have gotten soft. They’re sissies. Snowflakes. Woke-a-bye babies. How are these kids going to survive in the real world when they can’t stop sniveling about being bullied by their classmates. “Waah-waah! Billy shot my leg off with an AR-15!” Oh, grow up.
Fortunately, I’ve got a plan to toughen up our children, and only someone with my particular expertise and experience can carry it out. Call it an Education SmackDown. Here are the WWE moves I’ll approve for “disciplinary use” in classrooms across the country as of Jan. 20, 2025.
The People's Elbow
When Connor has a meltdown in class because his favorite crayon broke, sending the little whiner to the “time out” corner isn’t going to cut it. That’s when it’s time for the People’s Elbow. A signature of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, this move involves running the ropes—yes, every classroom will have ropes—jumping over the offending student, and then elbowing the little bastard in the chest. Problem solved.
The Sharpshooter
Yes, I’ll be arming teachers with automatic weapons on Day One to obliterate any outside threats, but they’ll also need intensive training on the mat to deal with enemies from within. Obviously, I’m talking about sixth graders. The Sharpshooter is a classic submission move that involves twisting the student's legs, sitting down, and then putting pressure on his knees and lower back. Then let’s see how many kids still want to tell you about their pronouns.
The Powerbomb
This elegant-yet-effective move works best on smaller students, preferably under the age of 6. Let’s say Madison is complaining that there are no pictures in “The Art of the Deal,” and asking why she can’t just read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” instead. No need to say a word. Simply lift her off the ground and then slam her down onto the floor in a classic Powerbomb. How’s that for a deal?
The Tombstone Piledriver
High school history classes are especially fraught these days as rebellious teenagers insist on challenging their teachers’ totally correct assertions. That’s right, Cynthia, slavery was, in fact, an awesome program that taught Black people valuable job skills. And they didn’t even have to pay for it! Why waste your energy arguing about nitpicky details like whips and shackles when you’ve got The Piledriver at your disposal? This devastating finishing move is executed by grabbing the student in a standing headlock, dropping to the ground and then driving her head into the floor. That’s called patriotism. Look it up.
The Stone Cold Stunner
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a tattletale. There you are, watching Dr. Oz videos on your phone while the students take a math test, when young Jimmy suddenly squawks, “Teacher! Olivia is cheating!” It’s time to teach that future leaker a lesson he’ll never forget with The Stone Cold Stunner. Popularized by Stone Cold Steve Austin in the late ‘90s, this dazzler involves grabbing the kid’s head in a three-quarter face-lock position with one arm—see the 2025 Educators’ Handbook for illustrations—then dropping to a seated position and ramming his head into your shoulder. As he lies in a dazed heap on the floor, whisper into his remaining good ear, “If you tell your mom about this, Jimmy, I will end you.” Class dismissed.
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