The 2025 Eye-Roller’s Guide to the Wine Enthusiast Holiday Catalog

[You pull up at my wine country estate, finding the gate secured with a heavy chain and padlock. Spotting your car, I dash outside and fumble with the lock. “Just park anywhere!” I yell, making a sprint for the front door. You drive past the overgrown hedge maze, deposit your car next to last year’s Lexus and make your way to the porch. A minute later, I appear at the door clutching a half-empty bottle of peppermint schnapps.]

Oh, hello there. I hope you can forgive the lackluster greeting and shabby holiday decorations, but there’s just no getting around it. I’m depressed. The world is in such a state! Tariffs have nearly tripled the cost of Christmas décor—not to mention jacking up the prices for our essential holiday bubbles—so we’ve had to make do with last year’s adornments and lesser vintages from the cellar. Sigh.

The cherry on top of this misery parfait is the 2025 Wine Enthusiast Holiday Catalog. No, no, don’t panic, it hasn’t been canceled! It’s just that this year’s guide is—dare I say it?—practically devoid of fresh holiday delights. C’est vrai! I combed through the guide page by page yesterday in anticipation of your visit and there is nary an item that I do not already possess. The situation nearly sapped me of my Christmas spirit.

But not to worry! I am a survivor. Just before you arrived, I remembered the IWA Wine Accessories holiday pamphlet that arrived in the morning post, and I’m thrilled to report that it makes a splendid complement to our favorite catalog! Take a seat beside me on the chesterfield and let’s dive in. Schnapps?

Riedel Horn Decanter

Price: $725

Copy: Austria's early horse-drawn carriage mail service used a Post Horn to announce their arrival, and the elegant instrument has been incorporated into symphonies ever since. A gold stripe in the mouth-blown lead-free crystal echoes the origins of this stunning decanter that will create an unforgettable wine experience.

Tina’s take: Let me get this straight: This is a hideously ugly wine decanter AND a shitty-sounding horn? And it only costs $725? I can’t even count the number of times I’ve found myself wishing for a vessel that could aerate wine whilst allowing me to regale my holiday guests with a rousing rendition of “Taps.” It’s like Riedel’s been reading my diary! Look, don’t ask me how it works. Can you play the decanter-horn with wine sloshing around inside it? Why is it the color of old urine? Will your friends mind you spewing spittle onto their Caymus as you bugle—or trumpet, or whatever—the arrival of the main course? Who cares! This thing is awesome.   

Glass Globe Display Chandelier

Price: $185

Copy: Greet your guests and let them serve themselves from this unforgettable chandelier waterfall.

Tina’s Take: I have questions. First: Who designed this thing? Just look at the base. Does it look like it can handle the responsibility of safely cradling all 40 of your $80-per-stem Riedel wine glasses? And who even has 40 wine glasses? You know the minute someone removes a stem from this Jengatastrophe the whole thing is going to tip over, forcing you to spend the next 45 minutes vacuuming up shards instead of serving that special bottle of Meomi Pinot you’ve been horn-decanting all week. You don’t have to take my word for it, though. Here’s an actual review from the IWA website: “Base unstable. Easy to kick over.” I hear you on the unstable base part, Chad, but why are you keeping a wine-glass rack on the floor? It’s called a “chandelier,” genius. 

Bubbly Blaster

Price: $59.99 (marked down from $99!)

Copy: We've come up with a way to spray champagne that makes it even more fun and with less mess. The Bubbly Blaster attaches to any champagne bottle, turning it into a long-lasting champers cannon!

Tina’s take: When economic uncertainty grips the nation, there’s no better time to introduce a device specifically designed to waste Champagne! Tech bros take note: Not only does the Bubbly Blaster’s “champers cannon” technology allow you to shoot a stream of Dom directly into your buddy’s mouth all the way across the deck of your mega-yacht—aka the Douche Canoe—it’s also great for dousing poor people waiting in line at the food bank. Epic!

Santa Collectible Wine and Cookies

Price: $80

Copy: This wine-themed Santa relaxes in his pajamas and reindeer slippers for a midnight snack.

Tina’s take: You only have yourself to blame. Since the day before Thanksgiving, you’ve been prancing around the house singing “Santa Baby” in your breathiest Eartha Kit voice—or Madonna, if you’re trash—glorifying the notion of shtupping Santa in exchange for luxury gifts. What’s St. Nick supposed to think when you invite him to “hurry down the chimney tonight”? You can hardly blame the guy for slipping into his sexiest plaid loungewear, popping open a bottle of Josh Cellars Cabernet and reclining under your tree in hot anticipation of the quid pro quo. He brought you the deed to the platinum mine, just like you asked, not to mention the duplex and checks. Now it’s time to pay up, baby! Ho-ho-ho, indeed.

12" Moonshiner Nutcracker

Price: $59

Copy: Bring the charm of the mountains to your holiday decor with this blue and bronze Moonshiner Christmas Nutcracker. This nutcracker captures the spirit of the mountain man, complete with a jug of his finest brew.  Recommended for indoor use only; Not intended to crack nuts.

Tina’s take: If I wanted to bring the “spirit of the mountain man” to my holiday festivities, I’d invite one of my West Virginia uncles over for Christmas dinner. At least they—unlike this so-called nutcracker—could crack some motherfucking walnuts for me. This fellow reminds me of the time my grandma asked me to grab something from her spare freezer. Staring out at me when I opened the door were the dead, milky eyes of three skinned squirrels sealed for maximum freshness in a gallon-sized Ziploc bag. In response to my pre-teen squeals of horror, my grandma just shook her head at my sheltered, suburban-Michigan ways. “Honey, you mean to tell me you’ve never had biscuits with squirrel gravy?” That would be a no, Grandma. Let’s keep it that way.